Thursday, October 25, 2012

Your 5th Birthday was June 18th. We cleaned out the garage, some stuff had been packed in boxes for 5 years and never looked at or used. So many people remembered you and us on your special day, I hope you saw that and felt LOVED. Sorry me and Daddy had to act like it was just another day. It is still too painful. It still feels wrong that you aren't here with us. Just the other day I picked out 5 different colored sand buckets and didn't think twice about it until I got home to 4 kids to pass them out to, one bucket left in my hands that I knew was for you, it felt so wrong yet so comforting that I do just think of you as one of the kiddos. I love you baby girl 5 years is way too long to be missing a part of me.
My sweet girl is remembered every day and loved always, we had a successful balloon launch and La Jolla Shores and there was a stunning sunset.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

A darling treasure

Photo of me wearing a sweet necklace made for me, in honor and memory of Esther. Thank you Sabrina you are such a beautiful person in my life!

Molly Bears in the news

Tell Molly good job with helping her Mama with being on the news, she did a lovely job and sweet Molly and Little Reese were on the news as well. You amazing little babies brought some beautiful people together. You are all so important and loved. Here is the video link way to go!!

Thursday, February 16, 2012


This year you will be turning 5. I know the things I should be doing with you now, talking about making pretty tutu's and baking in the kitchen and making you little dollies, going to ballet and play dates with friends, and we can't do those things. At some point I would love to stop playing that game. The game where I am looking at you as things "should have" been and not just look at them as they are.

You my dear are the single most beautiful thing in my life, why should I want to change that or you. You have done more for me and through me than anyone else, I do have a strange peace about how things are, and for that peace I feel guilty.

Things we have done

1. Bring awareness to stillbirth, by simply speaking.
2. Brought 2 healthy alive rainbows into this world.
3. Been a loving support to MANY mommies.
4. remember other babies
5. Fill arms with weighted teddy bears (500 or so)

I am proud to have you as mine, and right now, today, I wouldn't change a thing about you.

Love you baby girl

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Esther Grace,
You have so many people that love you, and cannot wait to meet you one day. You are going to be one popular little girl up in Heaven, once we all meet you there. Make sweet Ally a little something special this weekend, for it is her 5th birthday, her Mama misses her deeply. Her little rainbow Andy loves his big sister and isn't sure how she is going to eat her birthday cake. I bet you eat Angel food cake in heaven with the BEST strawberries.

I have so many friends here on earth that are missing their little babies, it hurts watching such heart ache. I feel there is a bigger purpose here for me, I just hope this vision and desire in my heart can come into being. You have been in Glory for 4 years 4 months and 10 days (give or take a day), someday's my shoulders hurt from carrying you with me each place I go, and wherever I am. Someday's I just don't get it! You know little one really what the heck is OUR purpose, you and me, Esther? Am I living life like I should be for you, for God, for your siblings, for our family?


or would you call me Mama (like Galilee and Felicity do)